Sticks and Stones
I know people like the saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". That is a straight up, bold face lie. Let me preface with this... I know people have good intentions, I know nobody has ever said anything to me to purposely hurt me. I just want to make sure everyone knows that words can pack a huge punch. I want to list some of the things people have said to me and how they affected me. Most of them probably don't need an explanation but I will explain why they hurt. I owe you that.
Please read through them, in MY size six 6 1/2 shoes.
- "God has a plan for you."
I couldn't agree more with this statement but it hurts because, when I hear that, I hear- God has a plan for you, a plan that makes you miserable because he know your hearts desires and he won't give it to you.
- "My friend's sister's aunt's dog's brother's sister went through this and got pregnant, it will happen."
I'm not a fan of this statement for a couple reasons. 1. I'm not your friend's sister's aunt's dog's brother's sister. Our stories are completely different. 2. I always feel discouraged instead of the intended encouragement. 3. It makes me jealous of your friend's sister's aunt's dog's brother's sister. I don't like feeling that way.
- “Are you sure you want kids? You get to sleep in and go anywhere without plans.”
Yep. I'm sure I want kids. I would actually do anything to be able to be dog tired and have to make plans. This statement typically makes me feel the, flip a table, type rage. Yes, I know you are tired and would welcome a break from the attachment, but I would willingly trade your exhausted life and baby for my sleeping in and freedom.
- "Relax." or
Telling me to relax or stop trying is like telling the sky to not be blue or tacos not to be delicious. It's not possible to just relax when there is something you want more than anything in the world but can't have it.
-"It will happen when you stop trying."
If I stopped trying I definitely wouldn't get pregnant. This is not goo advice anyway nor is it reassuring one bit! Also, I want to take you back too when I told you about my time I "stopped trying" and that didn't work.
-"Take my children for a while–that will change your mind about having kids!"
I'm fully aware that this is meant in a joking way. I, personally, don't want YOUR kid. I want MY own kid! Side note: It makes it sound like you don't want your kid and that you are miserable when we all know you love your kid. Keep that in mind.
- "Why don't you adopt?"
There is something beyond amazing about adoption. I'm always thrilled when someone adopts. There are a ton of kids out there that need a home, but at this time in my life, I don't want to. I'm also aware that there are cheaper ways to adopt and it doesn't have to cost thousands and thousands of dollars. This is a tough subject because when I talk about not wanting to adopt I get judged instantly. I can see it in their face, whether they say they understand or they don't. I don't need you to understand, I just need the respect that it is our decision.
- "You're only 30. You have plenty of time."
Whether I'm 20 or 30, it doesn't change the fact that time still goes on and there actually is a point that you stop trying. I'm mindful that I'm not to that point. I know I still have time. What you don't realize is that if I have been trying, I have lost 5 years already. Every month hurts.
- "I would carry your baby for you if you needed me to."
Wow, what a selfless act BUT no thanks. I have had this suggested several times. There has been no reason for me to need to look into this option. Plus, one of my deepest desire is to carry my own baby. I'm going to exhaust all options for this to happen for me.
If you have said any of these things to me or another person, we don't hate you for it. It's not like we have some kind of "Jerks that need to be taught a lesson" list that you have been added to. We know your intentions... We really really do. We just ask that you are mindful of what you are saying.
If there was one thing in this post that I want you to read, it's this... When your friend or family member feels like they can talk to you about her journey... the good, the bad and the ugly, she doesn't want you to fix her. She is paying her doctor for that part of the process. I have a blogger, Waiting for Baby Bird that I LOOOOVE and she says this best...
"Instead, what she is really coming to you for and what she needs the most, is your shoulder to cry on. Your ears to listen. And your mouth for… nothing. Because honestly? A warm, sincere hug is far better than most anything you could ever say."