The Toll It Takes
A study of 200 couples seen consecutively for infertility found that half the women and 15% of the men said that infertility was the most upsetting experience of their lives. Another study of 488 women who filled out a standard psychological questionnaire concluding that women with infertility felt as anxious or depressed as those diagnosed with cancer, hypertension, or recovering from a heart attack.
Less research has been done on mens'a reactions to infertility, but they tend to report experiencing less distress than women. However, one study found that men's reactions may depend on whether that or their partners are diagnosed with infertility. When the problem is diagnosed in their wives, men do not report being as distressed as women do. But when men learned they are the ones who are infertile, they experience the same levels of low self esteem, stigma, and depression as infertile women.
Lets not forget about other factors...
Medication side effects that are used to treat infertility, drugs and hormones, cause a variety of psychological side effects. Some listed side effects are, anxiety, sleep interruption, mood swings, irritability and depression. This does not include the physical side effects that go along with those just listed. These take a toll E V E R Y round.
Money worries vary due to insurance coverage (I'm have a blog post planned on our military insurance coverage since this is asked frequently). Costs of fertility treatments are significant. For women who don't have insurance coverage or the means to pay for treatment , not being able to obtain treatment contributes to feeling helpless and hopeless. Even patients with insurance coverage with copayments or limitations on coverage mean they pay significant amounts out of pocket.
Choices and outcomes affect women as well. Treatment failure triggers a renewed cycle of grieving and distress. Research from Harvard Medical School states that "distress is especially severe for women in the United States where the cultural assumption is that anyone who works hard and is persistent will succeed in achieving a goal". This stat makes me realize that we need to change our mentality towards infertility. Frequently there is difficulty to know when to stop treatment. Usually one partner wants to end treatment before the other, which causes strain on the relationship.
Relationships may suffer, not only the primary relationship but also with family and friends. Marital conflict is increased due to the stress. Sometimes we avoid social interactions with friends that are pregnant.
Why did I just unload all that information on you?!
I just went through, lets call it, a really low valley. I had just finished a round of medication and I couldn't shake the feeling. I felt depressed, anxious and unmotivated. I was very concerned that it lasted a little over a week. I only talked to Jeremy about it and I kept it to myself because I felt weak. I alway took pride in the fact that I could get out of a funk quickly on my own. After all, several people have told me that they can't believe how positive and strong I am going through infertility... What they don't realize, I can put on a brave face, I can face the world and hide my sadness like the best of them.
Infertility is living your life in 4 week increments with heartache at the end of those 4 weeks. It's hard for others to fathom the true dedication it requires to be in this rotation unless you've lived it. The pain is not just not getting pregnant when you hoped to. It's mourning the choices that were taken away. Moments stolen that you thought you would experience. You don't just do fertility treatments and cure it all. You grieve the fact that you even have to when it feels like everyone else id getting pregnant that aren't even trying. On a schedule you have no control over. All of a sudden, your body is turned over to someone else. Your dreams put into another's hands. Some days this pain manifests itself in sadness, sometimes as anger and sometimes as courage and strength. Just because someone is sad about one part of their life, doesn't mean they don't feel incredibly blessed and grateful in other areas. You can be brave, scared, fearless, grieving and hopeful all at once.
If you know someone that is struggling with infertility, keep everything you just read in mind if they feel absent or "sad". Let them know you care about them and love them. Don't offer any advice. If you are someone struggling with infertility, reach out to me. If there is anyone who knows how your emotions are all over the place, it's me.