Frustration at it's highest

This blog will be a little less informative and a lot more based on my frustrations. So brace yourself.... Cassidy is coming.

When I was prescribed Clomid, they only allowed me to have three cycles worth. THREE.3.THA-REE. It takes the average couple, without any fertility issues, 6-9 months to get pregnant. Why was I only given 3 months?! Why didn't I get the fair chance to get pregnant with those 6-9 monthers? I guess this is when karma comes in to bite me. I can't keep track of how many times I told students, "If you want fair you, need to go to Dallas in October for the fair". When I was teaching, I always made sure to set my kids up for success and avoid anything that would set them up for failure. I felt the clinic was setting me up for failure. This is one topic that my soap box tends to be pretty big on. I was devastated after I got the last negative pregnancy test and there wasn't another month of Clomid. I started feeling myself slide down the slippery slope towards depression. I had struggled with depression in the past, before I started dating Jeremy, so I knew the warning signs. I started to want to stay in bed longer, not get dressed for the day and not see anyone. I wish I would have talked about this with Jeremy but, of course, I didn't.

After the three months were up and I has used all of the prescriptions, I had to call in and make another appointment. At this point, I had no idea what the next step was. I was hoping, with all of my being, that they would give me 3 more months worth of Clomid. That wasn't the case. I was able to see the same doctor three times in a row. I was happy to see her walk in. The way I felt about her when she walked out was totally different though. Want to know why?

She rolled over to me, in her favorite rolling chair. She said there was nothing else they could do. The next step was IUI. Intrauterine insemination is a process where sperm gets to bypass the cervix and is placed directly into a woman’s uterus. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes, which increases the chance of fertilization. Tricare (military insurance) covers 0% of fertility treatments. So, IUI would need to come out of our pocket. It can cost up to $1000 every month AND I was encouraged to go to a facility in Des Moines. That is about 150 miles from us. We could easily make that trip. The cost and the drive weren't the issue. It was the fact that it was not (and isn't) possible for Jeremy to take off work on a whim, and I kind of needed him and his sperm there with me. He just doesn't have a job that allows for that. She discussed IUI and I told her about our situation and that is the moment my happiness of seeing her turned into rage. She then looked me in the face and said, "then your only option is to adopt" and walked out of the room.

I was in shock. If you were to ask me what I was feeling, I would tell you that I wasn't feeling anything. I was numb. My emotions completely blindsided me when I got into my car and shut the door. I cried like I haven't cried before during any of this process... Cried might not be the best word; I bawled. I called my mom, while I sat in my car. I had to scream and cry to someone, anyone that would listen. Jeremy was at work, so he wasn't available at that time. I drove through the gates to get home, since we lived on base, with blood shot eyes and tears still streaming down my face. The Security Forces at the gate even asked me if I was ok. I said no, took my ID back and went home. I vowed to myself to never go back to the clinic.

Let me address the part about how upset I was about the suggestion to adopt. I am always so happy to see people adopt! I know that there are plenty of kids that need a home. I'm also not at that point yet. I feel like I was created to carry my own child and would appreciate the fighting chance for that.