Negative

We checked off all the boxes that were supposed to get us pregnant.

Take meds- check

Test for ovulation- check

Scheduled intercourse- check

Wait- Check, check and more check

I feel like I need to explain to everyone that there is one word that you can put before sex that can totally destroy the fun... scheduled. Scheduled intercourse is dumb (my inner 1st grader came out with that statement). It takes all the spontaneity and intimacy out of it. It tends to make it feel like more of a chore. Obviously, I'm aware that it is just part of the process, but it doesn't make it any more enjoyable.

The time came that I either started my period or I take a pregnancy test. You get a free pregnancy test with a pack of ovulation tests. Isn't that so kind of them considering that they can cost around $20 every month?! As anyone who is early in the trying process and excited thinking it would work, I went straight to the bathroom on day 28. I had never been so excited to pee on something. I did what was required and set it down to wait. I'm sure anyone who has ever taken a pregnancy test feels like the wait takes years to show results. At this time I felt like it would be positive. As I have stated before, I'm more of a glass-half-emtpy type person, so thinking it would be positive is out of character for me. :) My feeling of positivity and hopefulness was quickly and painfully taken away. One line showed pretty boldly at me. This meant...

My heart sank and I crumbled to the floor in the half bathroom at our base house. I felt like the walls were crumbling in around me and I cried. Jeremy was at work, which I was glad about. I could just sit there for a while to be... sad. I'm sure you are thinking, you could have tested to soon. Which, you are completely right. I could have... So I waited a couple days and tested again. At this point, I knew I wasn't pregnant. One line popped up again. A couple days later I started my period and I went to my go to place to cry, the shower. I processed most of this whole journey on my own. It wasn't really because I didn't want anyone to know. It was because it was my personality. I'm my father's daughter. We keep to ourselves.

What have I learned about my processing while writing these blog posts? Jeremy is my teammate. I needed and continue to need to lean on him. I'm not going through this journey on my own. WE are going through this journey TOGETHER. When I hurt, he hurts. He may not show it the same way, with tears but he hurts in his own way even though he is always to reassuring and positive towards me. I should have opened up to him about the hurt I was going through. Am I amazing at opening up to him still today? No. I need to continue to vulnerable to the one person who knows me, knows my heart and knows my struggle more than anyone else in the world.

Now, we patiently wait AGAIN for my next cycle to do it all over again.