Devastated

By looking at me, you would have never known the heartache I carried around with me. I could smile for a picture and fight back the tears like a boss.

After going through the three months of tests, waiting and then having the last appointment after only three months of meds result in telling me to adopt, I was done. I wasn't done with the yearning to have a baby; I was done with the process and the clinic. At this point, going through 6 months worth of the process, I needed a break from it all. I went home and told Jeremy I would never walk through the clinic doors again. There really wasn't much of an option. They had given up on me. It was October 2015 and I didn't want the pressure of all the appointments. I stopped taking ovulation tests, tracking on my app and caring about it all. **I need to jump in really quick and add something. If you have ever thought to have said to me, why don't you relax and it will happen. I relaxed. It didn't happen. Don't say that to people that are going through this.**

I asked Jeremy to change my insurance. As a dependent for military, there are two options. Prime and Standard. Prime requires you to go to military doctors, no co-pays, and you must have a referral to visit a civilian doctor. They can deny your referral if they feel they can treat you themselves. Which is why I went through that whole process with the clinic. Standard, you get to choose any doctor within network but you pay a copay. I wanted to be Standard so I could go to a doctor that gave just an ounce of compassion towards me. BUT, I wasn't ready to just jump into more appointments to start the process all over again. I was switched the day Jeremy called and I never looked back.

I ended up taking a 7 month break. There would be multiple people that would ask me why I wasn't making another appointment or why I didn't just keep trying. I'm not sure that anyone realized that I never stopped trying. Every time Jeremy and I had sex, I hoped to get pregnant.

Then the dreaded news happened, Jeremy was tasked to deploy. There was a 19 day training in El Paso he was required to attend as pre-deployment training in May 2016 and then would deploy to Qatar July 2016. I knew I was going to miss him extremely much, but then there was a small amount of relief. I realized why a little later...