Deployment
I'm sure you are wondering why in the world I felt some relief during Jeremy's deployment. First off, I was stressed out of my mind about his safety during the deployment. The thing I was relieved about was that the expectation of getting pregnant was non-existent. I could start my period and I wouldn't feel devastated. This was the first time I could feel that way in 3 years! So, if you think about it... there are 12 months in a year, in 3 years, I was completely devastated 36 times. I wouldn't have to worry about crying about it anymore. I wouldn't have to give myself the pep talk to pull it together and get over it.
I follow an AMAZING woman that blogs about her infertility journey. She has been on this horrible journey 11 years but her words have been the most therapeutic towards me. Her name is Elisha and she shares snippets of encouragement on her Facebook page, Waiting for Baby Bird. Here is the latest post...
Infertility will not cripple my marriage. Infertility will not shatter my hope. Infertility will not destroy my peace. Infertility will not kill my friendships. Infertility will not silence my courage. Infertility will not invade and ruin my soul. Infertility will not conquer my spirit. Infertility will not steal my dreams. Infertility will not overcome me.
Because while I might bend, I won't break. While I might fall down, I will get back up. While I might lose my way for a bit, I'll find it again. And while my wave of emotions might sometimes overwhelm me and take me under, I'll always kick back up to the surface. Everything that infertility is...which is heartbreaking, dream shattering, and soul crushing...has made me fight for what it is not. And it is not going to win.
I am strong. I am brave. And I am more than a conqueror.
Is anyone else a little teary eyed?! No? Just me? :)
Everything she said, I had felt and still currently feel. I have felt distant from Jeremy. I started to push him away as a way that would allow him to step out whenever he wanted to. I didn't want to be the reason he didn't have a full family with kids. I lost hope and peace. I tried so hard to keep it, but that was way easier said than done. Friendships had changed. I didn't want to be around pregnant friends because it reminded me of what I so badly wanted to have, but couldn't. (Friends didn't understand that, which is fine.) I would lose the courage to talk about how I was feeling. I needed to talk to someone but I didn't feel strong enough to. It had conquered my spirit daily and stole my dreams every month. I was overcome with the crippling results. I felt each line to the core of my soul.
After Jeremy left, I ended up messaging her because I didn't know who else would understand. I told her about my relief and she responded a lengthy response but this is what stuck out to me! "Hey girl! Thank you so much for messaging me and sharing with me parts of your heart and story. I want you to know that the feeling you have of relief is so normal! God never intended for us to strive or stress about anything in life...especially those things we don't have control over." I don't think she could have said anything more perfect to me at that moment. I vowed to change my mindset that day. This is when I started sharing a little more of my journey.