To my husband
Babe,
As I'm documenting everything that we have been through, I have realized something. I have chosen to do this on my own. I have realized that I have not done this WITH you. In all honesty, I have resented you. I have felt through this whole process that I was the only one upset about anything. I felt like on nights I couldn't sleep, you slept like a baby. On days that I was devastated crying, you were perfectly fine. I felt like I was in war, in the thick of it and you were there, handing me the ammo but was not helping me fight back. You had said several times, you wanted to deploy to a war zone... Why weren't you in my war zone with me? I felt like I was taking on the enemy on my own. Why weren't you running into battle before me?
There would be little snippets of time that I felt like you were there with me, but they were short lived and few and far between. Every time there would be a negative pregnancy test or I would start my period, you would calmly say, "We'll just keep trying" and that was the end of it. Why weren't you devastated? Why weren't you having the heartache that I was having? Do you not care? Am I really going through this alone?
I'm sure you are thinking that you have never felt the way I am portraying you and that you had felt like you were always going through the heartache with me. I need you to just hold me on those days when I’m too tired and too worn out to fight anymore. On those tough days that I'm broken down and feeling completely hopeless, I really need you to fight for me. For us. I sometimes need you to just put your hand on my back or grab my hand as a pregnant woman walks in to the room. I know that seeing a pregnant woman probably doesn't mean anything to you but my heart hurts with every one I see. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I always seem to. That touch lets me know you are aware of my hurt. Oh, I wish I could not allow it to consume me, like you, but I can't.
So, on the days that I feel like I can't go on... I know you can for the both of us. There are several times that we have driven from Omaha, NE home to Fort Worth, Texas in a snow storm. During these storms, you drive. You take over because I can't handle the stress and anxiety of the trip. I lay my seat back and refuse to watch the road and I put my faith in you to get us home safely. This whole situation really describes how I feel about you. I know you are in the driver’s seat, calm and collected during this scary journey. When I feel helpless and like I can't go on, you take over. You may feel the pressure of being in the driver’s seat, but I don't see that. When I see the snow falling harder and the road getting even more slick, you remain in control. This is what I need, even though I forget that you are hurting too. I need you there with me to take the wheel, when I feel like I can't even find the keys to the car. BUT I need you to let me know that you still feel the slippery road under you.
Gosh, I love you more than anything in the world. I can't imagine my life without you. We have been through a lot together... Who would have thought the stress of everything that happened in the beginning of our relationship would be so minuscule to what we are going through now? Thank you for taking the wheel when I can't seem to find my keys.
I love you!
Cass
