Negative

Round one on Femara and it's time to take a pregnancy test. No surprise to me, it is a BFN (big fat negative).

You know, I honestly don't know how I would react to a positive pregnancy test. Almost every time I see someone post a picture of 546 positive pregnancy tests, I think to myself... Why would you take that many? Isn't one enough? Then I start to think about if I would be that crazy. I think I might just be one of the "crazy" women that do this. I have a feeling I would think if it actually showed positive, it would have to be a fluke. After all the negative tests I have seen, a positive wouldn't be accurate. So, I would take another one... Ok there are two flukes, looks like I need to take another and another and another. Before I knew it, I would have all of Wally Worlds supply on my counter.

Instead, there is another pregnancy test thrown in the trash with my hopes. (I feel like I can be a little dramatic right now, so back off.) Another test that was a waste of money. I wish I documented the amount of money wasted on pregnancy tests and ovulation tests. Since this month wasn't THE month, I will go grab another box to start all over again. And again, I will go to the self checkout to make sure nobody talks to me about why I'm buying the tests! If i had to choose between easily walking up to a manned cash register or walk on lava, barefoot to get to a self checkout, I would walk on lava. Maybe I should look into Amazon... Hold on please... I'm going to look.........

Nevermind, they only sell the most impossible to read ovulations tests that should require a PhD. Back to adding it to my list.

Want to know what stages I go through with that BFN test?

- Emotionally unstable- I go from crying like it's the end of the world, to flipping tables and smashing plates like I'm Greek. No matter how many negative tests you see, they all hurt the same. Almost every month, I think I'm not cut out to do this again.

- Snap out of it- After I'm done throwing my tantrum, I realize there is actually a REALLY strong fire in my soul to get pregnant and have a baby. This is when I channel my inner Rachel Platten and sing Fight Song.

- Relax- This usually doesn't happen until I am laying in bed in the dark and can close my eyes and refocus. I've let the storm rage, and deciphered the harmful thoughts from the helpful ones and gather myself. There is a time to wave a white flag and give-up, but doing this would just cause more hurt and it wouldn't take away my longing.

- Start over- By the time I have done the steps above, it's time to put my "big girl panties" back on and do it all again. I get the next round of fertility meds filled and keep them on my counter, take the ovulation tests out of the bottom drawer of the cabinet in the bathroom and place them on the sink next to the toilet and start tracking on my calendar.

Oh man, I long for the day that the BFN test doesn't exist for me anymore. The thing that really sucks, though; If the BFN doesn't exist for me, it does for someone else. That makes my heart ache in a different place. I always feel like there are different sections of my heart that ache for different circumstances. So, if you are constantly seeing the BFN test, my heart aches for YOU! Every night that I pray that we get pregnant, I pray for YOU as well. YOU are not alone and WE will do this together. So, if you need to reach out to me, please do! I'm not only here FOR you, I'm here WITH you!