Round 2
Whenever I say, or type out, round two.. I feel like I'm in a boxing match. I'm in the middle of the ring fighting for what my heart desires, while I feel like everyone else is on the outside wanting me to beat the enemy, but I'm constantly being knocked down. I can't get back on my feet. The second I feel like I'm starting to get my feet back under me, I get punched in the face and I'm back on the ground. Does that sound dramatic? Yes... I know it does. It's just really how I feel. So, I go back to the corner with my coach (Jeremy) as he regroups me and reassures me I'm in it for the long haul, hydrate (sometimes it requires a bottle of wine or a great Nebraskan craft beer), and tells me to get back out there.
As I'm sure you've read, I am starting a new month of meds. Last months round of Femara was a no-go. The first thing I do is get out my planner and draw a big dot on day one, meaning.... first day of menses. Then I count four days away and highlight the top right corner and write Femara. I do that for day 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8. Then I count to day 12 and put an X. An X goes on every other day through day 16. The X means.... scheduled intercourse. I added an example of my planner. I made sure to black out dates so it wasn't weird knowing the dates we will be knocking boots.
It's always fun when you open your calendar at a meeting and someone looks over and sees the X's. I'm almost 100% sure they have no idea what they mean, but it always feels like they do. I also struggle with making an inappropriate comment like, "Don't bother me on the days with an X... You know what that means!" while I nudge them with my elbow.
After I have updated my calendar, I go and add my Femara (fertility meds) into my granny pill organizer. Every night I take... 2 fish oil, baby aspirin, prenatal vitamin, Metformin, Leutin (I take this for my eyes since my grandma had Macular Degeneration) and 5 Vitamin D gummies. I almost need a full glass of tea to talk all of them. I'm to the point that the gummies are making me gag because I feel like I have to eat so many of them. I wish I could channel my inner 4 year old for the love of gummies.
This month I am feeling hopeful, but I am not going to get my hopes up. It's quite frustrating when you have a month that feels like it is THE month. You start to feel pseudo pregnancy symptoms, your period starts late and you take a test and it is negative. So, you know that you are supposed to wait two days to take another one and you do and it is also negative. This is when you start to realize it wasn't THE month. It was just your hopefulness outweighing what your body is actually doing. Then, the second you start cramping you know... maybe next month.
I always wonder, why not me. I start the thought process of... I'm a good person, well... I try really hard to be, I love kids, my husband is amazing, he loves kids, our marriage is rock solid, we have a great support system... and it still isn't our turn... WHY?! I pray allllllllllllllllll the time for this one thing and my prayers aren't being answered. WHY?! I know, I know... God has a plan for me... blah blah blah. I'm really not a fan of his plan at this point AND I'm sure that is allowed.