A Husbands Perspective

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Jeremy; the guy that Cassidy married about 9 1/2 years ago. I'd like to think I am a pretty simple guy, for the most part. I like sports, guns, old people (my grandparents in particular), fall, tattoos, and fishing, or anything outdoors. I love Cassidy, my dogs, kids, lifting weights, and picking up new skills. I don't like lazy people, suck-ups, mayonnaise, and the state of Louisiana (at all). I am also not a real social guy. I have to warm up to people, and asking me to go to anything with a bunch of people I don't know and make small talk is torture to me. I am just awkward in those situations. I just like to have a purpose to what I speak with people about...get to the point and leave out the stuff that isn't necessary. I also realize it is painful, probably, for the people who are social, to try and speak with me in these situations. I'm that guy that you can say "What's up?" to, and I will respond with "Good, how are you?". Or I'll go in for a handshake and when you are going in for a handshake, then I'll try to change it up and just make it weird. That covers almost everything about me...almost.

Now to the parts that pertain to this blog. One other thing about me is that I don't like to share my feelings. I don't like to show emotion in any form. When I talked to Cassidy about writing this, I actually asked what I need to include, meaning, do I need to include feelings? The answer was yes, which I already knew. I can write a paper easy...one of the best BS paper writers ever, probably. But this is different, so bear with me. I am like most guys in the sense that I tend to just bottle things up. I know, I know. It's not healthy and stuff like that. I have been the type to bottle my feelings since I was a kid. Over the years, I have just bottled them up even more, especially since I joined the military. You have to have thick skin to be in the military, and even more so to be a cop in the military. So, this is where problems have arisen many times between Cass and I. Most of the time, arguments we have become worse because I am stubborn and I don't want to talk about my feelings. I know Cassidy has talked about this in previous blog entries. I am just acknowledging and agreeing with those statements. Keep all of this in mind in the rest of this entry, because I will definitely reference this many times.

So, here we are. Introductory over. Time for some of the feels and such. This whole journey of trying to get pregnant and have children may have technically started when we realized it wasn't going to be as easy for us, as for most; But we all know that when you date for a little while and you start thinking the person you're in a relationship with is the one, you have to discuss things to see if you are on the same page. So, for us, as is for a lot of people, discussing whether we wanted kids was important. We both wanted kids, so that was settled. In my mind, that is the beginning stage of the journey. I guess beginning stage 1a. is when we got married and everyone started asking that annoying question of "When are you gonna have kids?"...sorry, we have been married two hours and I haven't even gotten her clothes off yet...well that's what I wanted to say. But, awkward in social situations Jeremy, just laughed uncomfortably and would say "I don't know". These questions were expected, though, early on.

For the first five years or so, the answer to the above question was, really, all about us wanting to be in a good place financially. Health insurance was a factor, obviously. Also, I was trying to figure out my career path. I wanted to be able to provide the financial stability that we needed. Well, my opportunity came when I decided to join the military. I initially was joining to be a FireFighter in the Air Force, because that is what I was attempting as a civilian for the three years prior. Trying to plan things like that is funny...I said I didn't want to be a cop, but I became a cop. I love being a cop though, so it's all good now. So, here is our chance to start having kids. Steady paycheck and unbeatable health insurance...

It's 8 October 2013 and I leave for Basic Training. Our plan was to start trying to get pregnant after I get out of Basic, because obviously we can't while I am going through it. Cassidy was able to visit every few weekends when I was in Tech School because I was still in San Antonio. It didn't happen, but it wasn't too big of a deal at the time, because the timing and consistency wasn't really there due to my training and when she was able to come visit. Of course, we didn't know at the time that we would have difficulties in the future. Fast forward to when I moved to Nebraska. Consistency still wasn't there because I got here in April 2014 and Cass couldn't move here until June because she had to finish teaching the last couple months of the school year. So we really, really got the trying in once she got up here for good.

So now is where I start talking about feelings and things. There is no need for me to give more of a timeline of events, because I would just be regurgitating information Cassidy has covered. After we started thinking some testing needed to be done to find out why we weren't getting pregnant, I went to talk to my doctor about getting tested, since its easier to test me than Cass. I mentioned earlier that I'm an easy going guy. So I didn't really mind going and asking dude to get me a referral to get tested. The test itself was the awkward part...like more awkward than my horrible awareness of the appropriate times for handshakes and fist bumps. Here's a little walk through of how awkward my little test was:

-I walk into facility to get my test

-Lady at the front is super rude

-I tell lady what I'm there for (because I guess there are other things going on there too)

-Said lady immediately gets a smile on her face and is no longer rude...I don't want to know why she was nice at this point or what she was thinking

-Lady tells me she would take me to the room I need to go to, so I'm thinking a private room that locks and I get a comfortable seat or something

-Lady shows me the bathroom.

-Lady tells me she'll put a sign on the door that says the bathroom is in use and that I can use one of the stalls.

-A lot of people walked by that bathroom door while I was there. (that's all I'm gonna say about any of that)

-It was super uncomfortable walking back to same lady from earlier with my sample.

-End of story

So after my sample results came back, they basically said I was alright. How did this make me feel? Well, at the time is was a great relief and I figured that maybe we just hadn't gotten pregnant for no reason...timing or whatever, maybe. Then came tests for Cass. You know all the results and everything. After some of these tests and results and things that these, so called, doctors said to Cassidy about getting pregnant; I started to wish that I was shooting blanks, instead of her having medical difficulties. I felt like it would be easier to figure out if it were me. Yes, I would have had a hard time with it if it were me, but I am typically a pretty optimistic guy, so I would have figured it out. Plus, Cassidy feels like she is meant to be a mother, which I agree with; and I know most women feel the same way Cassidy does.

Here's where my lack of expressing emotions became a frequent issue. I knew every test and every appointment was tough on Cassidy, afterwards. I hate seeing her hurt and upset. It tears me up inside. Of course hearing the news she had been given each appointment was upsetting for me, as well, but I handle it differently. That is where the bottling up emotions comes in. I also focus more on being strong for Cassidy than worrying about my emotions. It's always hard to see Cassidy hurting and I know I can't really say anything to make things better, so I just tell her we will keep trying. And that is what we will do.

How do I feel now? I feel much more confident now than when Cassidy was using the Air Force doctors. This dude she is using now is confident we will get pregnant, which makes me more confident. We will see when it happens, because I believe it will. A lot of things have been looking up for us in various areas of our lives right now, so I think pregnancy will be soon to follow....