Running Interference

There are SEVERAL things that put a strain on a couple. You know what puts strain on our marriage? TTC (trying to concieve).

In the nine years Jeremy and I have been married, we have always had a really solid relationship. Did we have our ups and downs? Absolutely. We have had some UGLY family situations that should have ripped us apart. We never had the support from Jeremy's side of the family sans his brothers. We were told we weren't welcome at family events and that I, little ol' me, was dragging Jeremy to hell with me. As you can see, they did not like me. I'm fine with that. I don't expect everyone to like me, but to be that mean..... unnecessary. You would have thought that this would have torn our relationship apart. It didn't, instead it probably did the opposite of what they intended. We had to rely on each other and my family. It was extremely tough to deal with the hateful letters we got and the things they said about us. Going through that gave us the experience to successfully deal with conflict.

The beginning of the TTC journey wasn't too bad. It was something that had a lot of hope related to it, which, in turn kept the negativity about TTC away. Jeremy and I were excited and we would always say, WHEN we get pregnant we will _________. We picked out names and I started the Pinterest board for a nursery. Just by reading that, do you feel the hope? It was there. It is still there for Jeremy but my verbiage has changed. I don't say "when" anymore... I say IF. If we get pregnant we will ________. This tends to frustrate Jeremy, but it is a way for me to protect myself a little bit.

As the years started adding up I had a tendency to react to fights in a way that isn't helpful. I would always push Jeremy away. I didn't even realize I was doing it until Jeremy asked me why I always pushed him away when I was sad or hurting. I even said hurtful things to him during those fights like, "I understand if you want to leave me so you can find someone who can give you the kids you want". We had so frequently talked about our lives with children in them and I was depriving Jeremy of being a dad. I carry so much guilt for this. I've said it before and I'll say it again... There is nobody more deserving of being a father than Jeremy. I HATE being the one that is keeping him from getting to add that title to his name!

Jeremy has always responded to me that he chose me, and continues to choose me, fertile or not. He always reassured me that he's in it for the long haul, but I still have the fear that one day, he will want a family and that means more than just me.

If I were to be honest with you, and I told you I would be from the beginning... I am the interference. I'm the one calling the plays. My emotions and inequities rule everything. The guilt that comes with infertility is out of this world. I feel like one of the reasons I was created was to be a mom, to carry my child. I feel like my body is failing me and there is nothing I can do about it and it infuriates me. How do I deal with this? I don't. I bottle it up and it eats me up inside. It turns into self hatred and that is a dark place to go.It's never my intention to feel that way, but it feels like that is where it always goes. Unfortunately, one of the most important things in my life takes a hit. My marriage. I start to distance myself and, in turn, push away from Jeremy. I just don't know how to process the hurt.

I want to make sure to emphasize that Jeremy is ALWAYS there. He doesn't usually allow me to distance myself. He calls me on my BS and makes me reevaluate what is actually reality and that he is not going anywhere. That I can push away as hard as I want and he will dig in and not budge. I've got a good one!