Why I'm not considering "just" adopting.

Something that is sooooo frequently said to me is "why don't you just adopt?"

Here are some reasons why we (and many other infertile couples) aren't "just adopting."

- Adoption is not everyone's calling.

For some reason it is assumed that if you want kids and can't get pregnant right away, automatically you have the desire to adopt. Not everyone who struggles with infertility feels called. There are many who do not feel peace about adoption the same way that others do not feel peace about fertility treatments. When you say the words "just adopt," it makes it seem like it's a simple decision that all infertile couples should make.

- Adoption is expensive.

Worth it? Yes. But expensive. Adoption costs typically range from $8,000 to $40,000 dollars. If that time come that we feel the desire about the timing of adopting we'll cross that bridge if we get there. I mention this so you realize the huge financial strain that comes with it. I don't know about you, but we don't have 20-30 grand hanging out in our account. (Yes, I'm aware that there is fostering to adopt)

When you say "just adopt" it makes it seem like we can go to the foster home, pick out a kid in the exact age and gender we want, and drive away as a family of 3.

- Adoption is a long process.

I love love love to read adoption stories. I always have. While there are there a few couples that get their home study and have a child in 6-9 months without any major hurdles, this is the exception. Most spend a year plus waiting to have their child or waiting to be picked by a birth mother. Not to mention that I've been hearing from many sources that most states want you to foster now before adopting. I admire the people that foster. However, God would have to make it very clear. It isn't something I am drawn to right now. That doesn't make me a bad person. When I get my cycle every month I grieve the child that was not. I feel like I'm losing my baby every month.... All that to say the thought of taking in a child, loving it as my own, and having it stripped from me makes me want to vomit. It could be something you or someone you know feels called to do but I'm just saying it's not for everyone. Adopting is a huge process.

When you say "just adopt" it makes it seem like I can buy a baby at Walmart and it will be mine forever.

- Adoption is not a cure.

There are women who feel completely healed and totally satisfied with adopting.... but this is not the majority. The longing to carry a child, feel it kick inside you, hear it's first cry, see your husband's attributes perfectly meshed with yours, are very real desires. For most women, we're simply wired that way. Adoption is so wonderful. But while it might cure childlessness, it doesn't cure infertility. Also, everyone who adopts doesn't get pregnant as a result. The exception stories are awesome, but please stop suggesting we'll get pregnant once we adopt.

When you say "just adopt" it makes it seem like adoption is the solution for everyone.

- Adoption is precious.

I cry over adoption stories the same way I cry over birth stories. It is a marvelous gift to receive a child not of yourself but still of your heart. It is so precious.

When you say "just adopt" it makes it seem like it's no big deal.

If you have asked me or someone else "Why don't you just adopt?" or even thought it, I'm not writing this to make you feel guilty. I'm really not!

I'm writing this to give a different perspective.

I'm writing this because that question causes me (and many others) such a strange range of emotions depending on their situation. Typically it makes me feel defensive (it's just part of my personality).

Sadly, in addition to all of these things, the question makes me feel like you're giving up on me ever conceiving. The first time I was asked that question my immediate thought was, "Don't give up on me yet." Remember the awful military doctor who told me to stop trying and to "just" adopt. I know that's not how most see it, but let me tell you.... when you long for your own baby and you are longing and grieving, you think some crazy things.

So what should you ask instead?

Ask about their next steps.

Ask if they feel led to adopt at any point.

Ask what they are struggling with.

They'll appreciate you and likely open up to you instead of feeling defensive, frustrated, or defeated.