Staying on Course

As most of you know, I had exploratory surgery in August. If you aren't updated with my previous surgery, visit here. After the all clear from my doctor to do our first round of meds again and timed intercourse, Jeremy and I were extremely hopeful and excited about the fresh start.

Well... Today was confirmation of my fears. Aunt Flo decided to show up. Here's the kicker though... I started taking pregnancy tests on Sept 30th (as per my doctors instructions based on my cycle). Today is the 5th. That means I had 4 full days of really wondering if I was going to see a positive and I now I see WHY they were negative each day. It just wasn't meant to be this month.

To say I'm devastated would be an understatement. How do I handle my grief (I'm aware most people think the way I feel is an extreme but when you have been through 72+ months of this, you feel deeply.) Today, I feel deeply. This failed cycle might be a little tougher on me because we were feeling so positive about this cycle and next month will be another waisted month. For the month of October, Jeremy will be TDY during the most important time of the month. We will be taking a month off, not by choice, until November because, in our life, the military calls the shots.

I have had two specific friends tell me that they think I am strong (which is never how I would describe myself), even in my darkest days and that my struggles aren't visible.

Here is how I can pick myself up by my boot straps and keep my head up every.dang.month.

1. Schedule some grieving time- I don't allow myself to grieve for long. I allow myself to feel all of my emotions but I don't allow them to take over. Grieving for more than a day is a slippery slope. Day 1 of my cycle is my day to feel the sadness and frustration. I put on some worship music (Elevation Radio on Pandora) and take long warm shower and cry. It's my place to release my frustration but it also reminds me I am not alone. I have a God that sees me. He holds me in the palm of his hand and knows my biggest desires and he hasn't forgotten about me even when I question it regularly.

2. Talk to someone about your disappointment- The first person I tell is obviously Jeremy. We have been through this enough that I feel comfortable showing my disappointment and sadness to him. If you are new in this journey and you aren't ready to show your hurt or sadness to your spouse, for whatever reason, talk to someone... anyone. If it's your best friend, your mom or another person that has gone through this heart-wrenching journey.

3. Self-care- Whether you go buy ONE bag of your favorite candy, go to a movie, light some candles, make your favorite meal/order it in or going back and picking up a hobby you love that makes you happy.

4. Let your friends love you- I get out of my house and I surround myself with people I love. Spending time with Jeremy is my ultimate joy but sometimes being at home isn't the best place to clear my head, personally. I have an amazing support system here in Nebraska that I surround myself with. Friends and family want to support you, but they usually don't know how. They are afraid of saying the wrong thing. What I might need, is completely different from the next person. Don't wait for them to read your mind, tell them what you need or how to handle you when you are sad.

5. Don't be afraid to take a break- If trying to get pregnant has taken over your life, which it has happened to me before, it may be time to step away for a little bit. Make sure to speak to your doctor, however, about the length of the break you need. I needed this regroup a while ago. It was a much needed for my mental and physical health and I am glad I took that time for a fresh start.

Here is to a month off, and trying again in November.