Infertility Has Changed Me
I love fall, so much. Who doesn't love the change in temperatures and the changing leaves? Just as the trees change every season, infertility has changed me. You are probably thinking, great, here we go with the typical 'glass half empty' viewpoint. Stop right there, you're wrong. Here is how infertility has changed me -- in a good way.
1. I became more aware of myself — and my limitations.
In 32 years, nothing has pushed me to become more self aware than my fertility journey over the last six years. No longer can I compare myself and my life to the lives of others, something I didn’t even realize I did. Struggling to become pregnant while everyone else around me gets knocked up at the mention of sperm, forced me to realize that my path is nothing like the paths of others. It isn’t that simple.
It requires something greater of me. It forces me to dig deep and ask and answer hard questions about my life and what is and isn’t good for my soul. When I started this journey, I assumed it’d be like everyone else’s: plan to have a baby and have one. Realizing that this would not be my story, I was forced to become more self aware.
2. I have become more hopeful for the future.
Well, at least I try to be more hopeful. You’ve got nothing on this journey if you don’t have hope. I could cringe at how cliché that sounds, but it’s so outrageously true. The road ends when you lose hope. Losing hope has happened to me, which lead to taking a break. And, I’ll tell ya, after six years, countless tests, pills, transvaginal ultrasounds, blood work, surgery, and heartache, you learn to acquire hope in the darkest of places. It filters into all aspects of your life, and you realize you can get through anything with just a little bit of it. My hope doesn't look the same as your hope, but my hope carries me through.
3. I have become a kinder, more empathetic version of myself.
Living through some seriously crappy experiences of my own has made me aware of how tough other people’s lives can be. As bad as your story and struggles are, there is — sadly — always someone else who’s had it worse, even when you don’t think it could get worse. It doesn’t have to just be about infertility, it applies to any type of struggle. Realizing what it’s like to live through pain and heartbreak of any kind forces you to look at the world a little more softly and with a little more grace. Going through tough situations has made my heart more open to the struggles of others, and it made me kinder.
4. I am braver than I ever imagined.
Infertility is scary and uncertain and dark, very dark. You’ve got to be a warrior to get through it. There’s no other way. It will make you stronger and braver than you ever imagined you could be — perhaps even more than you ever wanted to be. You’ll push through disappointment. Through negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. Through failed cycle after failed cycle. You’ll cry at the first blood of your period, but you’ll march through those days ready to begin again. You’ll pull yourself up by the boot straps and begin again.
5. I can identify the best support system for myself.
For me I didn’t think any of my friendships would change but they have. I am surrounded by an intimate yet diverse group of friends. I believe in quality over quantity, and I have, like most people in their thirties, lost some friends over the years. Mostly because our lives have gone in different directions and we have drifted apart, some because the friendship brought no joy to my life anymore and it was time to move on or they aren't sensitive to my pain. My friendships are loyal, truthful and full of laughter and I am a better person because of them.